Clarity In Muddy Waters

Clarity In Muddy Waters
I am just a tiny speck in our beautiful mass

Friday, April 26, 2013

Blah, blah and more blah.....

Well, I took care of the Rocco situation.  Joe barely can take care of himself with some things, and even though he loved the dog, it was too much for him.  I called the breeder and thankfully she was happy to take him back.  She still has his brother Zeus, his father and mother. Rocco had just turned 8 months.  I spoke with her husband and they were pleased that he turned out to be such a great dog.  They have already found him a new home.  A divorced man, about my age, who has a huge property and 2 big dogs.  Rocco fit right in and is happy.  I miss that dog terribly but I love him too much to see him not getting the right exercise and care.  This new owner hopefully will keep in touch with me via facebook so I can see photos etc.  I would like to think I made him the wonderful, loving animal that this man received.

I am getting ready for the weekend at Joe's.  We are driving to New York tomorrow to see his new great grandson.  His daughter lives in Pinebush, New York which is the UFO capital of the United States.  They have quite a few conventions there whenever there is something in the UFO world that gets the folks excited.  This part of New York is not like the city. Wide open spaces and quiet living.  The daughter we are going to visit is lovely and we have a decent relationship. She is two years older than me. Awkward?  Not really.  He has 4 children and this one is his favorite.  He doesn't make any bones about it.

I have learned a few life lessons from Joe.  Don't count on your kids to take care of you when you are old.  All four of his live in different states.  He sees the other ones maybe once every 3-4 years.  This generation simply doesn't seem to have time for aging parents.  So many commercials now.  Have you ever seen the one called A Place For Mom?  The time where there was no question of moving your parents in when they got sickly and what not does not exist anymore. Kind of sad I think.  My late husband always told me we come into this world alone and that is how we exit.  I now am starting to believe that.  Even though Kenny died in our bed with me, Jesse and his brother present, I know he felt alone internally with all of his pain and death isn't something you can share. You own that process. I still miss him to this day.  He was my best friend.  At least I can say that I was with the man I love for 20 years.  No, it wasn't perfect, but at the end of the day we had a friendship that was solid.  I always think your partner has to be your best friend.  Lust and sex are powerful emotions, but they honestly aren't the foundation of a decent marriage.

Anyhoo, time to pack my bags and get ready for New York...start spreading the news!

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Up all night...

My days and nights are starting to reverse.  It takes me a bit of time to adjust to coming home from Joe's house to mine.  Usually a full day.  I am now wide awake, when I usually would be rising at 5am. I HATE this pattern.  Joe is going to the doctor on Thursday morning.  I do believe he has walking pneumonia.  No I am not a doctor, I had it and was in the hospital for two weeks with it.  He is coughing so bad now that his ribs are hurting.  That is exactly how I felt when I got hospitalized. Plus he is 75.  Much scarier when it comes to getting sick in general.

I took Rocco to the  breeder.  I miss the dog like crazy.  I do however, feel better after talking to the man.  I saw pics of him with the dog and his brother, mother and father.  He is with his original canine family.  They have a few potential homes lined up for him.  Joe can't take care of himself, let alone a dog. I know in my heart I made the right choice.

This post is going to be brief as I am going to try to eat something light, take a xanax and go to bed.  I want to get back to normal hours. I feel much better seeing the sun set, than watching it rise and I fall asleep.  This world is a crazy place.  I just try to stay internally sane.  Peace

Friday, April 12, 2013

Decision Time

Fucking neighbors.  My friend Joe lives in a very posh upscale (WASPY) neighborhood.  He is the lone Polish man.  He is not well liked.  Now they are taking it out on my dog.  The neighbors all have electric fences and are demanding he put one in for Rocco.  He resents being told what to do at 75.  The man has always had a dog and feels that this martini crowd's wives have nothing better to do than torment him about the dog.

It's getting to the point where he is so frustrated that I called the breeder where Rocco's brother, mother and father are.  They have no problem taking him.  Joe is either going to have to break down and buy and electric fence or I am going to have to take him back to the breeder.  I want the best for this dog. He is so special to me.  Joe does have moments where I wonder if he is fit to handle this 8 month old Rottie.  I don't want him to break his spirit.  He loves Joe. Joe loves him.  I want my dog to thrive.  Joe is not a patient man and he is sort of a pariah in his community.  He is 75, will turn 76 in September.  Most of the others who live there are in their late 30's--mid 40's.  I have to make a decision by Sunday night as that is the time the breeder requested that I bring the dog.  I just think that sometimes love is not enough.  Joe has mental health issues that get worse with age.  Rocco is saner than most people I know. I want to do what is best for him.  I am not so sure Joe is the right choice for this dog.

So I am off to pack my weekend bag and I will let everyone know Sunday night what decision I made.  It might break my heart but the owners of his siblings and parents will give him the best care. Pray I make the best choice.  Peace!!!!

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Living life

Living.  One simple word.  What I want to know is this; are we just existing, surviving or thriving? ( Or a combination of all three?)  I am opting for the combination choice.  In the cold, brutal winter I definitely am not thriving.  Now that spring is in the air, I have hopes of doing more than just existing. I get a little giddy when I see all the garden departments opening up.  Spring means hope to me.  Birth, life, growth and new beginnings. I don't know what it is a about cold weather that gives me the blues.  I do know that I am not alone.  I have seen the funny little hats with the light bulbs that are supposed to help with depression.  I take Paxil.  I wonder how much the medication actually helps? I see my doctor on Monday and I'm thinking maybe I should switch anti-depressants.  I have been taking Paxil for almost three years now and I feel like it isn't working.  I do believe that there is only so much a pill can do.  True happiness must come from within, so they say.  I want to meet these "THEY" people.  I am struck by how much THEY know.  I know something is wrong when I can sit and watch numerous back to back episodes of Law & Order and not move. 

So to combat the blahs I am getting in the shower and going to Joe's house and play with my dog.  Joe sounds like he is declining mentally and a bit physically.  We talk daily.  It is hard to be someone's Everything. He will be 76 in September.  He is still going to the library daily to do his job search.  The depression that he is suffering with is different than mine.  His is loss of the thrill of living.  It's very sad.  He was born in 1937.  Quite a different world than 2013.  He has shown me pictures of his childhood.  Very different than the kids of today.  I can see his confusion when he dials a number and has to push prompts.  He feels that everyone assumes you have internet access.  He knew life before Wi-Fi and TVs. He played baseball when he grew up not Nintendo.  I try to bring some cheer into his life.  He sleeps with the dog every night.  I share my dog with him because isn't allowed where I live.  Joe needs the companionship and a canine friend sometimes beats a human one.  So I am off to shake the blues and hopefully bring some sunshine into Joe's.  Be kind...Peace