Clarity In Muddy Waters

Clarity In Muddy Waters
I am just a tiny speck in our beautiful mass

Monday, May 20, 2013

Post Secret

I have always enjoyed this web-site.  Anonymous people sending in their secrets.  This one made me smile.

My Week

Feels so good to be home.  Me, my son and his friend Reuben showed up at Joe's house and CLEANED.  I have never seen my son work this hard.  In four days the house looks brand new.  We got the internet installed.  Joe is having trouble using it, but at least now I can bring my laptop with me and have internet access.  Jesse and I are riding back out there tomorrow to make sure Joe knows how to work all his "fancy new gadgets" as he calls them.  Sigh I can't imagine being 75 in 2013.  I am having enough trouble being 46.

My new goal this year is to learn how to be thrifty and save.  No more emotional shopping to feel better.  I am starting my goal this week.  I set up a separate account that is for depositing only.  When I was a little girl my dad used to preach the wisdom of taking any amount, even $5, and saving it.  He swore this would get me into the habit of saving.  Yes, I see pocket-books for $500, and yes I like them.  I don't need them.  I want to get to the point of having security.  I want my new addiction to be throwing money in the bank instead of at retailers.  I have a problem called retail therapy.  Just like drugs however, once you rip off the price tags and the new leather smell is gone so is the thrill and than the crash comes.  I am also at the point of having no room for many of the items I have purchased.  So that is where I am at today.  Worn out from a week of house cleaning, but satisfied that the job was well done and Joe now has a healthier and cleaner place to live.  Clutter becomes chaos.  No chaos in my life...the most important goal of all to accomplish.  Peace!

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

My World

I have been learning to deal with all the changes that have been occuring in our world.  I adapt, adjust, whatever.  Through it all I am still me at the very core.  Times today are not easy.  I keep my life simple.  I have been losing the desire to people please.  That has been a tough one.  I have always wanted people to "like" me. The great thing about being over 40 is I am finally starting not to care.  It is one of the most liberating feelings.  I waited tables for so many years- my earnings depended on me being super nice and pleasing customers.  I do miss it at times, but it carried over to me personal life.  I wanted to "wait" on everyone.  Now I know that my true friends love me just the way I am .  I can count true friends on my left hand and have fingers left over.  That is ok.  So many people assume that because Joe is in my life they now ask to borrow money.  That is so ridicuous.What really kills me is that people who already owe me money will call and have the balls to ask to borrow more.  I sent a good friend of mine an email stating to not worry about what I am owed, just told them I would write it off.  Hopefully that will prevent them from asking again. I am not 22 anymore, no matter how wistful I get for those years when I thought I was invinsible. I miss the idealism and positive attitude of my twenties.  I don't miss the suffering from learning painful lessons the hard way. 

These couple days I am at Joe's home.  I am trying to get him organized - as much as he will let me.  We are actually discussing moving in together.  We live two hours apart and if he had an emergency or crisis it would take to long to get there.  My son is coming late tonight and tomorrow morning we are starting Project Clean Joe's House.  I think if he would let me fix up the house to where it will look like a real home inside his moods would improve.  Plus Jesse and he are really starting to get along.  He can't see at all once the sun goes down so driving has become a problem for him.  Jesse is getting frustrated with his living situation.  He is in a position where he is starting to experience alot of stress. So we shall see what is in store for us.  The library is closing and Joe and I are getting ready to go eat dinner.  Til next time, Peace!

Monday, May 13, 2013

Mother's Day....and some more

Mother's Day went well.  Baggy pants and his friend Reuben took me out dinner. We actually had a nice dinner, didn't argue and we talked.  Not yelled or argued.  I do think because I truly listened for once I have a better understanding of what he is currently going through regarding his living situation.  It's hard living somewhere where somebody is asking you for money every 36 hours.  They don't have an understanding that Jesse is a miser/saver because he has a fear of running out of money.  He has been on that side of the fence,  Doesn't want to return to that way of living.  He does have goals and I believe that are all attainable.  So it was an enjoyable day together and I learned I need to be quiet and listen more when he talks. 

I hope all of you mothers out there had a beautiful day.  Our children might not be where we want them to be in life, but they are making their way and I guess that is all we can ask for.  It's been a hot minute since I have been 23 and my life was very different back than as was the world.  The society we live in today is not an easy one for young people.  I don't envy them.  So I am raising my coffee mug in a toast to all of our children, that they may be happy, healthy and thrive.  Peace

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Growing old

Growing old seems to be something many folks dread.  My biggest fear isn't the crows feet etc., it's when my brain ages and I no longer have my wits about me. I can't imagine what that feels like.  I hope I never find out.  Right now I am dealing with Joe and this situation.  I have been watching him decline for about the last 9 months.  Out of 4 children, there is only one whom I speak to freely and that seems to really care about his well being.  He got pulled over Friday night, totally disoriented.  The police were nice and let him park his car and called him a cab.  I came out the next day to take him to pick up his car and he had no clue as to where he had parked it.  I saw the frustration in his eyes.  I called the police department that handled the situation and they told us where they has him listed as parked.  Still couldn't find the damn car.  I had to go home, so I drove him back to his house.  The next day he took the train to the area where his Mazda was. Finally he found it.  The police are going to make him take another driving test, which he will fail.  Once they take your license it has to be a horrid blow.  His daughter is going to talk with me after I see him this weekend to gauge his situation. She lives in upstate New York.  I have a feeling adult protective services is going to wind up being involved.  Joe will fight this tooth and nail.  I see both sides of the situation.

What happens to us when we are no longer productive in society and are written off as useless?  That is a frightening thought.  To me an old age home is simply jail for the elderly.  (unless you are exceptionally wealthy, than the perks are quite better).   I have been taking all the Omega supplements that I can. I try to keep my brains stimulated.  In other countries the children take care of their parents.  Here in the states parents get shuttled off because they don't fit into today's busy lifestyle.   How sad is that?  Raising our children is quite the job.  I wonder if it is even appreciated at times.  We will never know.

He is the reason I haven't been able to get time to write.  I have been living in my car going back and forth to him home.  This week is a ME week.  Not being selfish, but God knows I need one. Til the next time, live well and be happy!