When I sit down and think about some of the things that make me happy I realize they are all simple things. Watching Law& Order with a friend, going for a ride, stopping the car on the road at night to take a picture of a family of deer. Little things. The problem with my world now is that even though I have eliminated almost every toxic person I can think of, I still don't have the ability to separate the outside turmoil and prevent it from over-flowing into my peace of mind. When my head hits the pillow at night I love being able to close my eyes and have a restful sleep. Do you ever go to bed and than you are wide awake because of all the stress and thoughts swirling around in your brain? Those are the worst nights. I don't want to take a pill every night to sleep. It should come naturally. Lately it's been getting harder and harder to sleep. The people who know me whom I consider acquaintances think I have this easy life with no worries. What fucking planet do they live on??? Being a companion to a 76 year old man is not easy. Yes, extra money is great. I will not lie. The mental part is what is killing me. So many outsiders have opinions. Now his children are aware of the fact that he has money and all of the sudden one daughter needs 10,000 to send his grandson to rehab for the second time. Joe's exact words were, "Fuck it, not paying it". It's the little things. I know when we go out to breakfast that Joe is going to order a 2 egg breakfast with ham, grits instead of fried potatoes and dry whole-wheat toast or a dry bagel. He eats one food item at a time. He wants his grits served as an appetizer. His favorite jelly is orange marmalade. Whenever we go to a diner my job is to steal the packs of jelly for him so he can have some at home. Joe claims the grocery store prices make him ill. I get it. I wonder if his kids know how he likes his oatmeal prepared? If they know that buying him shampoo is a waste of their money because he has been washing his hair with soap since the military.Did they know that the reason all his socks have a hole in the toe is because his big toe-nails were an inch long and poking thru his socks. I cut his toenails this past weekend. He feels like a brand new man. I dye his hair. Like me, he has a thirst for knowledge. We are both constantly reading and discussing politics, today's generation of people, family values etc. He told his son today on the phone that if I wasn't in his life he would be dead. Joe Jr. just gulped and didn't really respond. Joe is good for me as well. He keeps my quest for knowledge satisfied. The man is amazing when describing history. He was there. When you are born in 1937 there isn't a whole lot you can do. He got a full scholarship to Johns Hopkins. That was a huge accomplishment. Why can't his kids see what I see? Joe told me that lately he feels it is a curse to be intelligent in today's society. I understand his feelings.
On another note the world keeps spinning round. My daily goal is to not fall off. I am succeeding, but barely. I have learned that in order to keep from falling off this planet I must not have any dead weight attached to me. That is how I cut my list of friends down to maybe 2. So my bed-time ritual seems to be getting washed up, in my jammies and watching movies on cable. You know what? That's one of those little things that makes me happy.. Peace!!!
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