Clarity In Muddy Waters

Clarity In Muddy Waters
I am just a tiny speck in our beautiful mass

Friday, December 27, 2013

Tis the season over?

Yes,  I am a scrooge this year.  I am still nursing a broken heart and wasn't feeling festive at all.  I always jump in heart first and yes, the usual pattern of getting fucked over ensues.  So I wasn't exactly in the mood to sing Christmas carols.

A new year is coming around the bend.  What are you wishing for?  World peace, financial stability?  My wish is simple.  Peace of mind and as a sidebar to understand this damn Obama care plan.  I tried to discuss it with my doctor and he is honest enough to admit that he is quite confused.  I need to find a decent affordable (hahhhaha) dentist.  Wish me luck.  I am at the point where I don't even want to open my mail.  It's in neat piles on my desk.  Staring at me.  I pretend I don't feel the glare of bills I can't afford to pay.

Speaking of lack of money, I just watched a documentary about the city of Detroit.  I cried.  That city was once upon a time a thriving hub of America. People used to travel from deep in the south to get to Detroit because they knew the could find employment.  WTF happened????  I wish I could recall the name of the film.. I do know it is an HBO documentary.  Fuck talking with politicians, they are speaking to the long time residents who have lived there through the good times and now, poverty stricken times.  The most beautiful thing that touched me is that there are so many die hard residents who simply won't throw in the towel.  They refuse to move. This is the city that they love and have no desire to bail out and run.  I admire that quality.  The loyalty to a hometown, a community. It is an example of the tenacity of certain human beings.  The younger generation should take notes.  Rock on Detroit!!!

Lining my ducks up and getting my house in order.  This is the year that things are going to get done. No more procrastinating.  I am not getting any younger. I just turned 47. I still have time to accomplish many things. So Happy New Year and don't make a resolution that is not attainable.  Keep it simple.  Peace!

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Being domestic

Yes, that is me today.  Hanging clothes, pictures, watering plants etc.  There is a certain joy when you see the finished results of your hard work.  My favorite thing about this apartment-It is over a beauty salon.  I can go tanning everyday and I am finally treating myself to getting my hair professionally done tomorrow.  I am careful about the tanning, skin cancer scares me, however when your bones aches a tanning bed feels like a wonderful heating pad for your whole body.

I have been watching the news, than get depressed and switch the channel.  I am very confused about this Obama care.  Seems noone else really understands it either.  I think healthcare is a very important topic and concern for all of us.  I just wish someone could explain it so the masses can grasp what the fuck is going on.  People are innately afraid of change to begin with and when they can't even understand the change it makes it more frightening.  My friend Joe is 76 and very intelligent and Obama scares him to death.  I feel badly for him as I watch him making this way through this strange, digital world we now live in.  He claims the best period of time to grow up in was the 50's.  I don't know.  I wasn't born yet. I wonder what it is like to have been born in 1937 and have seen so many changes throughout the decades.  I believe some adjust to the best of their ability and others can't cope and wind up in a nursing home.  I pray I never lose my ability to cope and adjust.

Time to get back to my domestic chores. Feel free to help...Peace!

Monday, December 2, 2013

Being the other woman is a pain in the ass....

Most important, don't fall asleep with a bowl on mini-wheats near your lap-top.  Had to bury my HP and now bought a Toshiba.  Thank God it happened on Black Friday. I feel like I have been away from my blog for so long that it is almost like creating a new one.  Another life lesson...if you don't listen to your inner voice that tells you not to date a married man, get ready for uber drama in your life.  The first 3 months will be filled with fantastic sex etc.  Than you take a good look at this man (doesn't help if he is 10 years younger) and you can start empathizing with his wife.My friend has been with the same woman since middle school.  That means at 36 he has been with her for 18 years.  ( Not counting indiscretions on both sides) I am a realist.  Marriage is hard.  It's not all about white dresses and sex and bliss.  It's fucking hard!!!  He told me I am the first woman out of of 3 that he has been with that has never asked him to leave his wife.  His feelings got hurt when I explained to him that 2 nights a week is plenty for me.  I don't want to wash his clothes, hear him bitching about money and bills.  They also have 3 children.  He just lost his job.  She is the breadwinner.  Oh hell no...I enjoy his friendship and hope that we can always maintain that.  I was with the same man for 20 years.  I know marriage.  I know enough that there are 3 sides to every story. His, hers, and the truth. We had words a week or so ago and when I described him as my friend, he said she is my wife, you are my woman. My mistress.  Really?  We are at very different arcs in our lives.  He feels that a man can love 2 women at the same time.  It's like a sense of entitlement.  This is a prime example of why you shouldn't marry young.  Sow those oats, learn who you are as a person.  Love yourself.  Than you might be ready for marraige.  I am finally getting my focus back and when I stopped writing I realized I was way to caught up in this relationship. Forgive my lapse.  I miss my social network of people.  Life is getting back to normal.  Especially now that he doesn't have a car at his disposal all the time.  I am one of those people who has to have a certain amount of "me" time daily.  I like solitude.  I love peace and quiet.  I am getting my groove back and it feels fanfuckingtastic.  Now let me read what is going on in everyone else's world.  Peace!

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Beautiful Berwyn

I know, I know.  Been very bad about updating my blog.  The real world does take over at times.  Joe and I are at our favorite bagel shop enjoying breakfast.  He turned 76 yesterday.  I got him a new watch and and a nice set of cuff-links.  (plus a lovely birthday cake).  I have slowed the wheels on my love affair, as with anything else, something that feels that good can be abused just like drugs or food.  This is my new chapter in life..  I am focusing on me, myself and I.  I am loving living alone for the first time in my adult life.  I LOVE IT!  It is the strangest feeling after always being a wife and mother since I was 18 to finally open the door to my home and it's just me...I don't have to buy food based on what other's want to eat.  I finally have control of the remote.  Little things...walking around in my t-shirt and panties.  All the things you take for granted.  I know I'm finally done with room-mates etc.  I thrive being alone.  Yes, it was scary at first, but now I wouldn't want it any other way.  So yes, I am still alive and doing well.  This is brief but I am hopefully going to be more diligent about posting and reading all of your blogs.  Enjoy your weekend!

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Favorite Post Secret This Week

Some people stay married because it is an admission of failure or they are afraid of change, the unknown or the kids.  When the pain heals you are so much happier.  The fighting, lies etc. are over.  You find your peace.  That is priceless.

Does the grinding ever stop?

Every day I wake up and it's the same old song and dance, just a new day of the week.  Does it ever stop?  I know, upon death. I am hoping for a better answer than just turning to dust.  I am learning to just really appreciate whatever free time I have and make the most of it.  I have also learned that falling in love is fun, endorphin releasing but sometimes you have to put the brakes on all those good feelings.  My priorities have gotten all out of order.  I need to not fall into my old patterns of putting the new man in my life before EVERYTHING.  I stopped blogging which is one of my personal ways of expressing my true thoughts and feelings.  This is my therapy.  I need to do this.  I am now in the process of putting my life back in order.  Good relationships are like a good sauce.  It takes time and must simmer slowly to reach perfection.  I can't operate on emotions when it comes to making important life decisions.  If this man in my life wants to be with me it will happen in due time.  He has ALOT of baggage.  So do I, but mine is more emotional.  His is financial, family, legal and emotional.  I would love to be with this man in a more permanent capacity.  I, however, don't think I should be the one laying all my cards out on the table.  He is not good, as alot of males, when it comes to talking about feelings.  So I am keeping my heart in check and now I shall wait and see.  It's his move now.  He knows I am in love with him.  I think I shouldn't have to beg anyone for their time.  Enjoy the labor day weekend.  Peace!

Friday, August 9, 2013

Life as I know it....

Yes, I have taken much time away from the internet. This thing called the real world is interfering,lol.  I met a man.  He is 37.  I am in love.  The can't sleep, eat without you kind of love. I wasn't looking at all for a man. We met at a friends house and it just happened.  He made me break all of my rules.  He is in a bad marriage.  I have Joe.  I have been seeing D for 3 months now. He is at my house almost every night of the week.  This is the first man I have met in years that I actually want to please and make happy.  Me!!! Who would have thought?  I met him and within a week got my own apartment and am job hunting.  I tell him it's like a switch that had been off in my brain for so many years suddenly clicked on.  I lost 20 lbs just because sex is great exercise.  I want to wake up everyday.  This wasn't supposed to happen to me.  I am so glad it did though.  So now you know why I haven't been writing. Too many emotions going on that I couldn't put into words.  I guess I am embarking on a new phase in my life.  I have no idea where it is going to lead me, but it sure is fun trying to figure it out.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

It's been awhile, but I am still here....

I apologize for not letting anyone know I was taking an internet break.  I didn't plan it.  So this is what has been going on in my life these days:

1.  I finally moved into my OWN apartment.  No more room-mates/friends etc.  I LOVE IT.  This is huge for me.  I realized that at the age of 46 I haven't lived alone for longer than 4 months between men since the age of 17.  It is an amazing feeling to take the key and open the door to "my home". Now I am kicking my ass because I didn't do it years ago.  Peace of mind and privacy are an amazing, wonderful thing.  Plus I worked it out so my overhead is quite low.  Only in PA can you find a nice apartment in a decent neighborhood at a VERY reasonable price.

2.  I met a man!!  A man in my age bracket ( a little younger, but mature) We have become great friend and the benefits part blows my mind.  He literally came out of nowhere and he saw me. I mean he saw the inside and outside.  I can't bullshit this man and I know instinctively that he has a line in the sand.  Meaning he has boundaries, that once crossed, would mean losing a great person in my life.  That is a good thing for me. 

3.  My car got totaled yesterday.  I just spent over $1400 in upkeep and new parts and Bam!! I was on my way to Joe's yesterday and after I just sunk all that money into the car it is considered totaled.  I was driven home by the police officer and came in my house and cried.  I woke up feeling sore and bruised, I think more mentally than physically.  Today however I have much better spirits and realize that my life is not over.  I still have much to be thankful for.  Usually I would get morbidly depressed.  This time I decided that I am going to plow forward and take life one day at a time and things will get better

So that is a brief update as to what has been going on in my PA life.  The car is no more, but I have a nice roof over my head and people that love and care for me.  Life could be a lot worse.  Now I am going to check everyone else's blogs and play catch up.  Peace!!!!

Monday, May 20, 2013

Post Secret

I have always enjoyed this web-site.  Anonymous people sending in their secrets.  This one made me smile.

My Week

Feels so good to be home.  Me, my son and his friend Reuben showed up at Joe's house and CLEANED.  I have never seen my son work this hard.  In four days the house looks brand new.  We got the internet installed.  Joe is having trouble using it, but at least now I can bring my laptop with me and have internet access.  Jesse and I are riding back out there tomorrow to make sure Joe knows how to work all his "fancy new gadgets" as he calls them.  Sigh I can't imagine being 75 in 2013.  I am having enough trouble being 46.

My new goal this year is to learn how to be thrifty and save.  No more emotional shopping to feel better.  I am starting my goal this week.  I set up a separate account that is for depositing only.  When I was a little girl my dad used to preach the wisdom of taking any amount, even $5, and saving it.  He swore this would get me into the habit of saving.  Yes, I see pocket-books for $500, and yes I like them.  I don't need them.  I want to get to the point of having security.  I want my new addiction to be throwing money in the bank instead of at retailers.  I have a problem called retail therapy.  Just like drugs however, once you rip off the price tags and the new leather smell is gone so is the thrill and than the crash comes.  I am also at the point of having no room for many of the items I have purchased.  So that is where I am at today.  Worn out from a week of house cleaning, but satisfied that the job was well done and Joe now has a healthier and cleaner place to live.  Clutter becomes chaos.  No chaos in my life...the most important goal of all to accomplish.  Peace!

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

My World

I have been learning to deal with all the changes that have been occuring in our world.  I adapt, adjust, whatever.  Through it all I am still me at the very core.  Times today are not easy.  I keep my life simple.  I have been losing the desire to people please.  That has been a tough one.  I have always wanted people to "like" me. The great thing about being over 40 is I am finally starting not to care.  It is one of the most liberating feelings.  I waited tables for so many years- my earnings depended on me being super nice and pleasing customers.  I do miss it at times, but it carried over to me personal life.  I wanted to "wait" on everyone.  Now I know that my true friends love me just the way I am .  I can count true friends on my left hand and have fingers left over.  That is ok.  So many people assume that because Joe is in my life they now ask to borrow money.  That is so ridicuous.What really kills me is that people who already owe me money will call and have the balls to ask to borrow more.  I sent a good friend of mine an email stating to not worry about what I am owed, just told them I would write it off.  Hopefully that will prevent them from asking again. I am not 22 anymore, no matter how wistful I get for those years when I thought I was invinsible. I miss the idealism and positive attitude of my twenties.  I don't miss the suffering from learning painful lessons the hard way. 

These couple days I am at Joe's home.  I am trying to get him organized - as much as he will let me.  We are actually discussing moving in together.  We live two hours apart and if he had an emergency or crisis it would take to long to get there.  My son is coming late tonight and tomorrow morning we are starting Project Clean Joe's House.  I think if he would let me fix up the house to where it will look like a real home inside his moods would improve.  Plus Jesse and he are really starting to get along.  He can't see at all once the sun goes down so driving has become a problem for him.  Jesse is getting frustrated with his living situation.  He is in a position where he is starting to experience alot of stress. So we shall see what is in store for us.  The library is closing and Joe and I are getting ready to go eat dinner.  Til next time, Peace!

Monday, May 13, 2013

Mother's Day....and some more

Mother's Day went well.  Baggy pants and his friend Reuben took me out dinner. We actually had a nice dinner, didn't argue and we talked.  Not yelled or argued.  I do think because I truly listened for once I have a better understanding of what he is currently going through regarding his living situation.  It's hard living somewhere where somebody is asking you for money every 36 hours.  They don't have an understanding that Jesse is a miser/saver because he has a fear of running out of money.  He has been on that side of the fence,  Doesn't want to return to that way of living.  He does have goals and I believe that are all attainable.  So it was an enjoyable day together and I learned I need to be quiet and listen more when he talks. 

I hope all of you mothers out there had a beautiful day.  Our children might not be where we want them to be in life, but they are making their way and I guess that is all we can ask for.  It's been a hot minute since I have been 23 and my life was very different back than as was the world.  The society we live in today is not an easy one for young people.  I don't envy them.  So I am raising my coffee mug in a toast to all of our children, that they may be happy, healthy and thrive.  Peace

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Growing old

Growing old seems to be something many folks dread.  My biggest fear isn't the crows feet etc., it's when my brain ages and I no longer have my wits about me. I can't imagine what that feels like.  I hope I never find out.  Right now I am dealing with Joe and this situation.  I have been watching him decline for about the last 9 months.  Out of 4 children, there is only one whom I speak to freely and that seems to really care about his well being.  He got pulled over Friday night, totally disoriented.  The police were nice and let him park his car and called him a cab.  I came out the next day to take him to pick up his car and he had no clue as to where he had parked it.  I saw the frustration in his eyes.  I called the police department that handled the situation and they told us where they has him listed as parked.  Still couldn't find the damn car.  I had to go home, so I drove him back to his house.  The next day he took the train to the area where his Mazda was. Finally he found it.  The police are going to make him take another driving test, which he will fail.  Once they take your license it has to be a horrid blow.  His daughter is going to talk with me after I see him this weekend to gauge his situation. She lives in upstate New York.  I have a feeling adult protective services is going to wind up being involved.  Joe will fight this tooth and nail.  I see both sides of the situation.

What happens to us when we are no longer productive in society and are written off as useless?  That is a frightening thought.  To me an old age home is simply jail for the elderly.  (unless you are exceptionally wealthy, than the perks are quite better).   I have been taking all the Omega supplements that I can. I try to keep my brains stimulated.  In other countries the children take care of their parents.  Here in the states parents get shuttled off because they don't fit into today's busy lifestyle.   How sad is that?  Raising our children is quite the job.  I wonder if it is even appreciated at times.  We will never know.

He is the reason I haven't been able to get time to write.  I have been living in my car going back and forth to him home.  This week is a ME week.  Not being selfish, but God knows I need one. Til the next time, live well and be happy!

Friday, April 26, 2013

Blah, blah and more blah.....

Well, I took care of the Rocco situation.  Joe barely can take care of himself with some things, and even though he loved the dog, it was too much for him.  I called the breeder and thankfully she was happy to take him back.  She still has his brother Zeus, his father and mother. Rocco had just turned 8 months.  I spoke with her husband and they were pleased that he turned out to be such a great dog.  They have already found him a new home.  A divorced man, about my age, who has a huge property and 2 big dogs.  Rocco fit right in and is happy.  I miss that dog terribly but I love him too much to see him not getting the right exercise and care.  This new owner hopefully will keep in touch with me via facebook so I can see photos etc.  I would like to think I made him the wonderful, loving animal that this man received.

I am getting ready for the weekend at Joe's.  We are driving to New York tomorrow to see his new great grandson.  His daughter lives in Pinebush, New York which is the UFO capital of the United States.  They have quite a few conventions there whenever there is something in the UFO world that gets the folks excited.  This part of New York is not like the city. Wide open spaces and quiet living.  The daughter we are going to visit is lovely and we have a decent relationship. She is two years older than me. Awkward?  Not really.  He has 4 children and this one is his favorite.  He doesn't make any bones about it.

I have learned a few life lessons from Joe.  Don't count on your kids to take care of you when you are old.  All four of his live in different states.  He sees the other ones maybe once every 3-4 years.  This generation simply doesn't seem to have time for aging parents.  So many commercials now.  Have you ever seen the one called A Place For Mom?  The time where there was no question of moving your parents in when they got sickly and what not does not exist anymore. Kind of sad I think.  My late husband always told me we come into this world alone and that is how we exit.  I now am starting to believe that.  Even though Kenny died in our bed with me, Jesse and his brother present, I know he felt alone internally with all of his pain and death isn't something you can share. You own that process. I still miss him to this day.  He was my best friend.  At least I can say that I was with the man I love for 20 years.  No, it wasn't perfect, but at the end of the day we had a friendship that was solid.  I always think your partner has to be your best friend.  Lust and sex are powerful emotions, but they honestly aren't the foundation of a decent marriage.

Anyhoo, time to pack my bags and get ready for New York...start spreading the news!

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Up all night...

My days and nights are starting to reverse.  It takes me a bit of time to adjust to coming home from Joe's house to mine.  Usually a full day.  I am now wide awake, when I usually would be rising at 5am. I HATE this pattern.  Joe is going to the doctor on Thursday morning.  I do believe he has walking pneumonia.  No I am not a doctor, I had it and was in the hospital for two weeks with it.  He is coughing so bad now that his ribs are hurting.  That is exactly how I felt when I got hospitalized. Plus he is 75.  Much scarier when it comes to getting sick in general.

I took Rocco to the  breeder.  I miss the dog like crazy.  I do however, feel better after talking to the man.  I saw pics of him with the dog and his brother, mother and father.  He is with his original canine family.  They have a few potential homes lined up for him.  Joe can't take care of himself, let alone a dog. I know in my heart I made the right choice.

This post is going to be brief as I am going to try to eat something light, take a xanax and go to bed.  I want to get back to normal hours. I feel much better seeing the sun set, than watching it rise and I fall asleep.  This world is a crazy place.  I just try to stay internally sane.  Peace

Friday, April 12, 2013

Decision Time

Fucking neighbors.  My friend Joe lives in a very posh upscale (WASPY) neighborhood.  He is the lone Polish man.  He is not well liked.  Now they are taking it out on my dog.  The neighbors all have electric fences and are demanding he put one in for Rocco.  He resents being told what to do at 75.  The man has always had a dog and feels that this martini crowd's wives have nothing better to do than torment him about the dog.

It's getting to the point where he is so frustrated that I called the breeder where Rocco's brother, mother and father are.  They have no problem taking him.  Joe is either going to have to break down and buy and electric fence or I am going to have to take him back to the breeder.  I want the best for this dog. He is so special to me.  Joe does have moments where I wonder if he is fit to handle this 8 month old Rottie.  I don't want him to break his spirit.  He loves Joe. Joe loves him.  I want my dog to thrive.  Joe is not a patient man and he is sort of a pariah in his community.  He is 75, will turn 76 in September.  Most of the others who live there are in their late 30's--mid 40's.  I have to make a decision by Sunday night as that is the time the breeder requested that I bring the dog.  I just think that sometimes love is not enough.  Joe has mental health issues that get worse with age.  Rocco is saner than most people I know. I want to do what is best for him.  I am not so sure Joe is the right choice for this dog.

So I am off to pack my weekend bag and I will let everyone know Sunday night what decision I made.  It might break my heart but the owners of his siblings and parents will give him the best care. Pray I make the best choice.  Peace!!!!

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Living life

Living.  One simple word.  What I want to know is this; are we just existing, surviving or thriving? ( Or a combination of all three?)  I am opting for the combination choice.  In the cold, brutal winter I definitely am not thriving.  Now that spring is in the air, I have hopes of doing more than just existing. I get a little giddy when I see all the garden departments opening up.  Spring means hope to me.  Birth, life, growth and new beginnings. I don't know what it is a about cold weather that gives me the blues.  I do know that I am not alone.  I have seen the funny little hats with the light bulbs that are supposed to help with depression.  I take Paxil.  I wonder how much the medication actually helps? I see my doctor on Monday and I'm thinking maybe I should switch anti-depressants.  I have been taking Paxil for almost three years now and I feel like it isn't working.  I do believe that there is only so much a pill can do.  True happiness must come from within, so they say.  I want to meet these "THEY" people.  I am struck by how much THEY know.  I know something is wrong when I can sit and watch numerous back to back episodes of Law & Order and not move. 

So to combat the blahs I am getting in the shower and going to Joe's house and play with my dog.  Joe sounds like he is declining mentally and a bit physically.  We talk daily.  It is hard to be someone's Everything. He will be 76 in September.  He is still going to the library daily to do his job search.  The depression that he is suffering with is different than mine.  His is loss of the thrill of living.  It's very sad.  He was born in 1937.  Quite a different world than 2013.  He has shown me pictures of his childhood.  Very different than the kids of today.  I can see his confusion when he dials a number and has to push prompts.  He feels that everyone assumes you have internet access.  He knew life before Wi-Fi and TVs. He played baseball when he grew up not Nintendo.  I try to bring some cheer into his life.  He sleeps with the dog every night.  I share my dog with him because isn't allowed where I live.  Joe needs the companionship and a canine friend sometimes beats a human one.  So I am off to shake the blues and hopefully bring some sunshine into Joe's.  Be kind...Peace

Friday, March 29, 2013

Feeling better ( a bit anyhow)

The clouds are lifting.  I am learning the word NO when it comes to my children.  One of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I however, am feeling much better, as it my bank account.  I feel hurt when the only time the phone rings is when one child is not calling to see how I am feeling, but to tell me their bill itinerary.  I know. I  am sounding harsh.  Yes, he does call on occasion to see how I am.  But the other 90% of the time it is because he is in financial distress.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

No internet for a few...

I have been busy with Joe and the dog and life.  Joe, Rocco and I stayed at a motel this past week and their "free wi-fi" sucked.  Grrrrrr!  We did have a nice, relaxing time in spite of the internet being shit.  I was amazed at how well behaved a 7 month old Rottie, who now weighs 102lbs, was in a small motel room. The love I have for this dog is a powerful feeling.  So many humans should take lessons from our canine friends.  Unconditional love baby!!  Priceless.

I don't know if anyone figured out that my previous post is about one of my children.  It's not getting any better.  Every time there is a knock on the door, I feel I should grab my wallet. This man/child is not on drugs.  He lives in the mind-set of "why spend mine when I can spend yours".  Today I have decided that it ends.  I can't afford it.  Throw the guilt my way.  I have paid my dues.  I do not want to sit here and cry after a visit because of the emotional toll the drama takes.  He tells me to stop spewing rhetoric. Really?  This coming from someone's bottom  I used to wipe? I love him unconditionally, but just like a dog, when I get hurt I might bite, or even worse, lock the purse strings. That's where I am at today.

I am 46 years old/young (take your pick).  Time to make a new game/life plan.  I have been writing a bunch of things down on a legal pad of possibilities. There are always possibilities.  That is why I wake up each day.  Choices.  We all have them.  It's about making the right ones.  In my past I have always operated mostly on emotions. I am going to try logic this time. Yup...something new.

When I totaled my Honda Accord I have a scar on my left hand/wrist.  It is a cross.  I am not a fruit-loop, but I was in the shower the other day and when I rinsed the soap off of my arm I saw it. I have been trying to think what it means. I have a few ideas, but that is what I see when I look at my arm. I am uploading a pic.  Do you see what I see?  Peace!

Oh and here is another one just for good measure- Rocco at the motel.
Oh yeah, this is the one corner in my room that really makes me happy.  It is right next to my desk.  I light the candles and for a few moments my world is right.

Still trying to finish (clean) up other areas in my bedroom.  Now you have a little peek into my world.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Guilt and more shit

Sometimes I feel like I don't know my ass from my head, seriously.  Everytime I get into a trusting relationship I get screwed, no kisses, no lube, not even a hug.  It's worse when it is your own family.  Let's just say that a certain person has a sense of entitlement to certain things, like say, my money as they feel  I don't work for it.  It is not my fault that I have a boyfriend who is exceptionally good to me.  The trickle down theory has applied many times over whenever it is possible.  Said family member doesn't seem to think it is enough.  I think this person has done some math and has this number in his mind that should make up for the addiction years? I don't know.  It's the whole guilt trip thing and trust me, I have succommed numerous times to the guilt feelings.  Just because we get better doesn't mean we forget what happened in the past. How many times can one say they are sorry? How many apologies before one is truly accepted?  I wish there was a person who had the magic answers for me, but I know that is unrealistic.  People look at my life from the outside and think "Oh what a lucky woman".  Picture perfect to the outside and unknowing.  I know the truth and that will never change.  The face I put on for the outside world is for when I walk out my door.  Noone would believe the change when the I go inside and the mask comes off.  Peace!

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Life is a book...a fairy tale maybe?

Things have been hectic as of late.  I have been on a decorating binge.  I'm liking my new style choices for my bedroom. They are more mature and tasteful. Still a little whimsical. That's ok.  Anything I don't wear or use gets thrown out.  I have a horrible time throwing things away.  There is a story behind every object.  It's turning out to be quite the project.  Than on the weekends I am with Joe and my dog and clean "our" other house.  I don't have to be at Joe's til Monday.  He is a man who lives amid paper chaos yet can find anything.  Go figure.,,,

Do you ever wake up and simply feel blessed?  That life is good?  I do and this is one of those days.  Amid all the global chaos and bullshit that spews from our politicians mouths, I know that my loved ones and I are ok.  That is what gives me that peaceful feeling.  My kids are far from perfect but I know if I passed away tomorrow they can stand on their own two feet and survive.  I don't mean that in a morbid sense.  Every parent out there knows what I mean.  You give birth and raise your child/children. It's not an easy road, but us parents are tough and we have eternal hope and faith in our kids.  We all want the best for our kids. Huge roadblocks like divorce, addiction etc come crashing into our lives without warning,  Yet, the most magical thing happens.  Our kids grow up in spite of the roadblocks.  They seem ok in spite of our perceived damage that we have inflicted.  I believe in fairy tales and happy endings,  I have to. Peace!

Saturday, March 2, 2013

The Library

Spending the weekend at Joe's.  We just finished dinner and are now at the public library.  He keeps putting off getting internet at his home.  I think he just enjoys coming here since he is unemployed and this gives him the structure of "going to work".  I stopped bugging him a month ago to get home internet because at 75, well, when he says we will see about it, that means no, or it's at the very lowest of his priorities.

He is sitting at a computer next to me plugging away at the old job search.  So I thought I would use this time to pop in with a post. the librarian is giving the "we are closing in 5 minutes" alert.  I am spoiled.  If I want to wake up in the middle of the night and blog something I like knowing that I am able to.  Okay, getting dirty looks from the librarian.  Enjoy your weekend everyone.  Be kind.  Peace!

Tuesday, February 26, 2013


Courtesy of Post Secret.  Instead of juggling all of my life I think now it's time to find balance.  

Home sweet home

You know that saying, "There is no place like home"?  It is true.  I am wondering what defines that feeling, home or hominess.  Is it the pictures of your family on the mantle?  The smells when you walk through the door?  The feeling of when you sit in your special recliner or chair and it just "fits"?

I have moved many times since Kenny has died.  I have managed to make each place feel like home simply by keeping certain things no matter what. Photo albums are very important to me.  Certain pieces of art work.  Books.  Knick knacks. Once I walk into an empty space and bring out my cherished belongings it quickly becomes home.  I am a huge candle/fragrance lover.  I love the smell when I walk in my bedroom and a waft of great smelling air hits me.  Home.

In PA there are many antique shops.  I lucked out on a nice sturdy dark pine desk.  It was supposed to sell for $150 but the 1 wasn't visible on the ticket and in time honored tradition they sold it to me for $50.  I LOVE this desk.  This desk is where all the magic in my life happens.  Crazy huh? Not to me. I pay bills here, write actual hand-written letters and use my laptop.  I have it right in front of one of my bedroom windows.  A room with a view.  My son doesn't get it.  He is like "mom, it's just a desk".  Maybe one day he will understand.

The hardest part of this move was having to take Rocco to Joe's.  God has a plan.  They are developing a great relationship and I get to see him every weekend.  He now has a huge house and yard to play in.  I try to cram in all the love I feel for this dog in two days.  He is finally treating Joe as his master and he sleeps in the bed with Joe.  I hope our dog adds years to his life. 

Time to get the last box of trash out.  I am no longer holding onto things that are taking up space.  I save a few good paper memories, but too much paper simply becomes trash.  Plus I need room for new memories.  Peace!

PS.- Rocco will be 7 months on the 8th of March.  He is growing nicely and I took this pic at Joe's home this past weekend.  Happy Dog....

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Sniffles and coughing

This cold, crazy weather finally has gotten the best of me.  I awoke this morning with  coughing, sneezing etc.  You know the feeling.  I Am Sick feeling.  I am going to load up on vitamin C and cold medicine.  Clean my room.  If motivation keeps coming, I shall make a jaunt to the Laundromat. Our dryer is not working and the landlord seems in no hurry to fix it.  To me it is just as easy to go to the Laundromat and knock it all out at once.  So I am waiting for this Dayquil to kick in and try to get as much done as I can. I hope all is well with everyone. Make each day count, even when you don't fee like it.  Peace!

Monday, February 18, 2013

The world keeps spinning round

I went for a drive last night.  The weather is frigid out.  I love sitting in my car and just listening to the radio or one of my fave cd's.  My sense of motivation in this weather is rather low.  Would love to just burrow under the covers and hide but that would be too easy. The world is moving ahead and I don't want to miss out on anything.  Great food to taste.  Nice people to meet.  Wonderful words I have yet to read.  You get the picture.  I don't want to waste my time lying in bed while I am still active and quite able to move around.  There will be a time maybe when I won't be able to move about and will want to kick myself for not taking advantage of life and all it's offerings.  I am now able to discern whether certain offerings are shit and no good for me, or whether they are potential beautiful moments in the making.  That is one of the benefits of being over 40.  Many people don't get that radar in their youth because they feel invincible.  Most of us are just happy to wake up and not deal with any drama at this point in our lives.  That sums me up right now.  Time to get moving. The day is already late for me and there is quite a bit to do.  Be safe and be gentle!  Peace!

Sunday, February 17, 2013

The "Other" Honda

This is the car that is replacing the totaled Honda.  It rides nice and again, no car payments.  I did go to a car dealership and just scouted out new (used) cars.  Boy do those sales people try hard to get you to buy.  It's almost tiring listening to them preach how they would put their wife or daughter in a certain vehicle.  I am happy with my little white Honda Civic.  The car is paid for.  I have no car payments and I am tickled with that fact.  This car gets great gas mileage.  All these people who drive huge SUV's amaze me.  I don't know how people can afford to put gas in these big vehicles.  It feels great to put $30 in my tank and watch that gauge move all the way up.  Little things like that make me happy as hell.  I'm scared to go wash this car, ( my son did detail it for me before he brought it up) as the day I washed the Accord is when I totaled it.  Ah phooey....when it needs a washing I am not going to believe in all that superstitious  crap.  Time to put some junk in the attic....Have a wonderful weekend!

Lost in cyberspace!!

Finally, I can blog again.  I just decided to start all over rather than keep fighting with google about passwords.  I go into a writing form of withdrawal when I can't post.  It keeps my head clear and it's wonderful to have a place to vent.

I positioned my desk in front of my bedroom window which I am liking a lot. I have a view of all the homes and snow and trees.  Birds are actually coming to my roof to eat.  (Throwing bread out is quite enticing to the birdies).

I hope everyone is well and getting through the daily grind. I want to finish setting this up, sidebar, quotes, etc. 

I do have a case of the cold weather blues. Just did my nails and watching Super Soul Sunday- Oprah.  Nate Berkus is on there and it is actually interesting.  I am going to finish fixing up my bedroom.  Things to hang, and stuff to throw away.  I love and miss you all very much,

I'm baaaccckkkkk....Peace