Clarity In Muddy Waters

Clarity In Muddy Waters
I am just a tiny speck in our beautiful mass

Friday, March 29, 2013

Feeling better ( a bit anyhow)

The clouds are lifting.  I am learning the word NO when it comes to my children.  One of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I however, am feeling much better, as it my bank account.  I feel hurt when the only time the phone rings is when one child is not calling to see how I am feeling, but to tell me their bill itinerary.  I know. I  am sounding harsh.  Yes, he does call on occasion to see how I am.  But the other 90% of the time it is because he is in financial distress.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

No internet for a few...

I have been busy with Joe and the dog and life.  Joe, Rocco and I stayed at a motel this past week and their "free wi-fi" sucked.  Grrrrrr!  We did have a nice, relaxing time in spite of the internet being shit.  I was amazed at how well behaved a 7 month old Rottie, who now weighs 102lbs, was in a small motel room. The love I have for this dog is a powerful feeling.  So many humans should take lessons from our canine friends.  Unconditional love baby!!  Priceless.

I don't know if anyone figured out that my previous post is about one of my children.  It's not getting any better.  Every time there is a knock on the door, I feel I should grab my wallet. This man/child is not on drugs.  He lives in the mind-set of "why spend mine when I can spend yours".  Today I have decided that it ends.  I can't afford it.  Throw the guilt my way.  I have paid my dues.  I do not want to sit here and cry after a visit because of the emotional toll the drama takes.  He tells me to stop spewing rhetoric. Really?  This coming from someone's bottom  I used to wipe? I love him unconditionally, but just like a dog, when I get hurt I might bite, or even worse, lock the purse strings. That's where I am at today.

I am 46 years old/young (take your pick).  Time to make a new game/life plan.  I have been writing a bunch of things down on a legal pad of possibilities. There are always possibilities.  That is why I wake up each day.  Choices.  We all have them.  It's about making the right ones.  In my past I have always operated mostly on emotions. I am going to try logic this time. Yup...something new.

When I totaled my Honda Accord I have a scar on my left hand/wrist.  It is a cross.  I am not a fruit-loop, but I was in the shower the other day and when I rinsed the soap off of my arm I saw it. I have been trying to think what it means. I have a few ideas, but that is what I see when I look at my arm. I am uploading a pic.  Do you see what I see?  Peace!

Oh and here is another one just for good measure- Rocco at the motel.
Oh yeah, this is the one corner in my room that really makes me happy.  It is right next to my desk.  I light the candles and for a few moments my world is right.

Still trying to finish (clean) up other areas in my bedroom.  Now you have a little peek into my world.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Guilt and more shit

Sometimes I feel like I don't know my ass from my head, seriously.  Everytime I get into a trusting relationship I get screwed, no kisses, no lube, not even a hug.  It's worse when it is your own family.  Let's just say that a certain person has a sense of entitlement to certain things, like say, my money as they feel  I don't work for it.  It is not my fault that I have a boyfriend who is exceptionally good to me.  The trickle down theory has applied many times over whenever it is possible.  Said family member doesn't seem to think it is enough.  I think this person has done some math and has this number in his mind that should make up for the addiction years? I don't know.  It's the whole guilt trip thing and trust me, I have succommed numerous times to the guilt feelings.  Just because we get better doesn't mean we forget what happened in the past. How many times can one say they are sorry? How many apologies before one is truly accepted?  I wish there was a person who had the magic answers for me, but I know that is unrealistic.  People look at my life from the outside and think "Oh what a lucky woman".  Picture perfect to the outside and unknowing.  I know the truth and that will never change.  The face I put on for the outside world is for when I walk out my door.  Noone would believe the change when the I go inside and the mask comes off.  Peace!

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Life is a book...a fairy tale maybe?

Things have been hectic as of late.  I have been on a decorating binge.  I'm liking my new style choices for my bedroom. They are more mature and tasteful. Still a little whimsical. That's ok.  Anything I don't wear or use gets thrown out.  I have a horrible time throwing things away.  There is a story behind every object.  It's turning out to be quite the project.  Than on the weekends I am with Joe and my dog and clean "our" other house.  I don't have to be at Joe's til Monday.  He is a man who lives amid paper chaos yet can find anything.  Go figure.,,,

Do you ever wake up and simply feel blessed?  That life is good?  I do and this is one of those days.  Amid all the global chaos and bullshit that spews from our politicians mouths, I know that my loved ones and I are ok.  That is what gives me that peaceful feeling.  My kids are far from perfect but I know if I passed away tomorrow they can stand on their own two feet and survive.  I don't mean that in a morbid sense.  Every parent out there knows what I mean.  You give birth and raise your child/children. It's not an easy road, but us parents are tough and we have eternal hope and faith in our kids.  We all want the best for our kids. Huge roadblocks like divorce, addiction etc come crashing into our lives without warning,  Yet, the most magical thing happens.  Our kids grow up in spite of the roadblocks.  They seem ok in spite of our perceived damage that we have inflicted.  I believe in fairy tales and happy endings,  I have to. Peace!

Saturday, March 2, 2013

The Library

Spending the weekend at Joe's.  We just finished dinner and are now at the public library.  He keeps putting off getting internet at his home.  I think he just enjoys coming here since he is unemployed and this gives him the structure of "going to work".  I stopped bugging him a month ago to get home internet because at 75, well, when he says we will see about it, that means no, or it's at the very lowest of his priorities.

He is sitting at a computer next to me plugging away at the old job search.  So I thought I would use this time to pop in with a post. the librarian is giving the "we are closing in 5 minutes" alert.  I am spoiled.  If I want to wake up in the middle of the night and blog something I like knowing that I am able to.  Okay, getting dirty looks from the librarian.  Enjoy your weekend everyone.  Be kind.  Peace!