Clarity In Muddy Waters

Clarity In Muddy Waters
I am just a tiny speck in our beautiful mass

Friday, March 28, 2014

Sidechick? Mistress? Money.....oh wtf....

How many faithful men/women do you know? EXACTLY.  Marriage is hard. It's not sex in the kitchen and high-heels and stockings 24/7.  Any of us who have been married 10 years or longer know that.  It's kids, mortgages, work and passing out as soon as your head hits the pillow. Many people need a reward at the end of a long work week/family time.  They want some ME time. You want to know that you are still that same desirable person, that you still got IT.  Everyone needs to know they are appreciated and loved and WANTED.  You can love your kids and your dog...You want your partner...You daydream about them. You love the sound of their voice.  You fit together like a lock and key.  How do you keep that feeling through all the years?  Most men have a secret porn stash that helps relieve stress and boredom.  Women are different.  Porn doesn't work all the way.  We want an emotional attachment. When we step out, it's for the real deal.  Sex, feelings the whole package has to be there or most of us won't take the risk.  I read that people are craving sex more now that our economy is/has tanked.  I believe it.  We are all creatures of the flesh.  We like things that feel good.  Sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping..something to make us feel better than a pile of bills on the kitchen table. They say violence increases in the hot, summer days.  I bet wild, steamy stress-relieving sex is going to increase this summer as the thermometer rises with the poverty.
Wives will have their once a week "book club" night. Men are going to have to pick up a few "extra" shifts at work, late at night.  Whatever it takes to make life a little bit easier during the daily grind of just being..Peace!

Monday, March 24, 2014

What to do??

I am undergoing some major issues in my life.  Seems that Joe's family who have expressed no interest in him for the last 30 or so years, especially the last 4 that I have been seeing him.  Than they found out that he had, um, money, quite a bit.  Now they are very interested in his life.  He hates that. They hate me even more.  The only one that will even be civil and have a conversation with me is his son Joe Jr.  He seems to be the spokesperson for the children.  Joe is not a man that anyone would know had a dime to his name based on his appearance or habits.  That is exactly why he has saved and now has a "few" dollars to his name.  Home paid for etc.  Lives in the area known as the "Mainline"...(meaning everything cost more simply due to the zipcode).  Joe doesn't do fake small talk or polite chit chat.  He wants to be left the fuck alone.  He told me that he has never loved a woman the way he loves me and, that he loves me more than he ever loved his first wife.  That blew me away.  He feels that his kids are just waiting for him to die so they can claim what they feel is theirs.  I don't want this huge-oversized house.  This belongs to them.  I don't want to be in his will.  He has treated me better than any human being on the face of the earth and has been there when no-one else has.  I told him if he lost everything he has I will be there for him and work two jobs if necessary to take care of him.  I know he would do it for me. I just wish everyone would stop treating me like Anna Nicole Smith....seriously!  Peace!

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Random Ponderings

  Remember the movie "Being There"?  Well if you are my friend I demand little except just "being there".  No money, drama or bullshit.  So that is my main focus today.

That is what makes the internet such an amazing place for people.  The friends we make online ironically are some of the most enjoyable friendships we have.  You can't cross boundaries online.  You can ask for honest opinions and give honest answers because you don't have to see them daily in the "real world".  Sadly I think the one flaw in the whole internet socializing system is that many of our young folks were born into this world without having experienced real live human relationships.  Sucks for them in my opinion.  Those of us 40 and over have the upper hand in this strange arena.  We are adept at making friends in the flesh and online.  Sadly those under 25 don't seem to master the flesh friendships that well because they are inept and awkward at "the real thing".  If you have cyber-sex online are you still a virgin in the real world?  Who would have ever thought that would even be a question? Any comments on this topic are very much welcomed.
I would like to know that I am not alone in these strange thoughts I have.  Why is it so easy to connect with people that you have never met face to face?  I know the usual answers.  We can present ourselves how we wish to be seen, create facades and whatnot. I want to know also how so many people who are fabulous at having online friendships have such poor social skills in the flesh?  I think again it applies to age.  I am 47, yup, that's right, I said it.  I feel I have an advantage ironically due to the fact that a good portion of my life had nothing to do with the internet.  I had to develop social skills, make friends, get hired etc all based on learning to communicate with other people...face to face (not Skype). I think we definitely have a better balance in this world if we are adept at shaking hands as well as clicking a mouse. I can actually foresee a day where they are going to have to give courses on basic social interactions. So for those of us whose 2 digit age doesn't begin with the number 2 I think that might actually be a good thing.  Peace!!!!

Friday, March 14, 2014

Hard to teach an old dog new tricks!

Do your balls hang low, do they swing too and fro.....yes that is the ditty I am chanting in my head. Maybe I am mentally touched, who knows, who truly cares?  Aren't we all in some way shape or form mentally touched?  One can short of a six pack get the gist...I am learning to be ok and actually revel in my uniqueness.  I think everyone should.  What a fucking boring world this place would be if we actually were all like, say, Stepford Families?  Plus I can't afford to invest money in hairspray the way those Stepford women did.  Hurricane Katrina could come and their damn hair wouldn't move at all.  It's a shame that is has taken me 47 years to figure out that I am not the most fucked up human on the planet.  To learn that being so self-absorbed isn't actually a good thing.  I try to have good karma.  Joe is a perfect example of that.  His own children don't have the time nor the patience to deal with their own father, except to call and see if he has decided what to do with his $600,000.00  home and to call dibs on what they want.  I do the fun stuff.  I clean the sheets and remove the fecal stains.  I make sure he has plenty to eat.  I make him laugh (which we both do share a love of bitter, sarcastic biting humor)  I try to teach him that racism is not a sign of intelligence.  He is very proud of his IQ.  I know the IQ's of all his children and that explains quite a bit.  (just kidding) I am so very liberal and he is such a staunch right-wing human being it's amazing how we are able to get along. We agree to disagree.  What man tells his girlfriend that his one daughter was so ugly at birth that he was actually scared.  He than giggles and says that thankfully it did pass and she turned out pretty like the rest.  He claims Hitler had some great ideas, knowing that my adoptive parents were Jewish.  He believes in mandatory sterilization for people of certain ethnicities so they "Can stop making so many God-d&*n babies for his tax money to support.  Brutally honest is what he is.  No, I don't agree with what he says.  I try to rub off on him in a positive way.  His prejudice extends to overweight people. Oh he is a piece of work.  I can't deny his generosity towards me.  I am hoping that thru my constant reminder that you can't judge a book by it's cover and gently prodding him to be kind that maybe it will rub off on him.There are all kinds of ways we can change the world.  I find it is usually done best with one person at a time.Peace!

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Parenting/Peace (I know, an oxymoron)

I'm now in tough love mode regarding my son. I love him more than anything in this world, but sometimes he just makes choices that are unacceptable to me, mostly in the way he speaks to me and about me to others.  I would never win mother of the the year, but that doesn't change the love factor.  Hindsight is always 20/20. Trite, I know.  Today is the first day that I am taking action to make the playing field a little more level in our relationship.  I don't like being strong-armed by my own son.  He might be physically bigger but contrary to many people's beliefs, I am smarter in ways that he is not and he is very bright.  I have the wisdom that he lacks.  Sometimes the hardest things you can do when you love your child is to do something that is going to cause them problems.  I believe the word is consequences.  No-one is going to be 24 eat all my food, not contribute and not work.  Yes, he has applied to start going to college.  It might not be the fancy university that he wanted but community colleges are there for a reason.

Love is not supposed to be a painful experience or a hurtful one.  Love should bring tears of joy, not constant tears of pain.

I have also learned what a destructive force envy is.  So many people seem to think that my life is so simple and amazing because my friend is older and has always been rather generous with me.  I always pay forward in my life.  The "If you have been blessed, pass it on " mentality.  That makes me happy.  I am very pleased with my 1 bedroom apartment.  I chose it because I adore its layout and I can afford to live there even if I had to work at McDonald's.  I have spent the last 6 moths trying to learn how to live within my means.  There is nothing I need or want for.  Stop spending is my new mantra.  I have broken worse habits than retail therapy so this should be a breeze.  I just want to live the rest of whatever time
God gives me to live with peace of mind.  That is priceless and in my opinion, the best gift of all.  Peace!