Clarity In Muddy Waters

Clarity In Muddy Waters
I am just a tiny speck in our beautiful mass

Thursday, May 15, 2014

The All-American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret

Legal bullshit abounds

Haven't been writing lately as I have had to take care of some legal problems that I really can't discuss per my lawyer...Imagine that.  I did learn that when you tell someone to call your lawyer the effect is quite entertaining.  My Joe looked very impressive in court. I have to talk about that.  He is my Tony Soprano.  The most attractive quality any man can have is the ABILITY TO GET IT DONE!  If you have that quality a girls panties are already trying to wiggle off. The only problem is that I wish he could be like that all the time.  We argue quite a bit, mostly over things I know I have told him and he swears I am lying  simply because he can't remember.  That is very frustrating.   When we went to the lawyers office I was so very happy because his attitude was proper and the way it is when he is fresh and rested.  I wish he could be like that all the time.  These days he is turning so very bitter.   It is frustrating.  He claims at the age of 76 he no longer has to be polite and civil.  He has done it for too many years and no longer has the patience. I am not 76 so I can't speak for his state of mind.  Ever since he was let go (forced into early retirement) I have watched his moods and state of mind disintegrate.  Ageism is huge in the US and I am sure all over the globe.  It doesn't seem like a big deal until you watch someone you love deal with it first hand.  I have spent this whole week at his house getting some grocery shopping done, making sure he picks up his lawnmower, and just keeping him good company.  Bought him some nice manly new sheets and wash-cloths. Things men never think about.

I now know why lawyers drive beautiful cars and live in fabulous homes.  My legal bill is $15,000. Joe lives in a very upscale part of PA, referred too as the "Mainline"...The main attraction is The King Of Prussia Mall..Uber expensive.  All top of the line brand name stores...(boutiques)  Michael Kors, get the picture.  From past experience I have learned the importance of having a lawyer who is well known and at the top of the game in town.  Explains vividly why most people who land in prison are poor and can't afford the "right" lawyer.  There are many decent public defenders, but there are many who are burnt out. So if you are poverty stricken and relying on state supplied legal defense it is like shooting craps.  The odds in any casino are with the house.

So just taking my life one day at a time.  Lately always expecting the unexpected.  Par for the human life course.  People just seem to be oblivious to each other.  This seems to be the true ME generation.  No one has time to help their neighbors anymore.  God knows, they are simply too busy with their own myriad of problems. I refuse to become a cynic because I know there are still decent people out there.  They just lock their doors now. Peace!

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Carlos Santana / Rob Thomas - Smooth 1999 Live Video

Just Like Music....

Early morning, coffee and good(great music).  Muddy Waters...I'm a blues girl.  Isn't that where it all started from?  These days happiness comes in notes and verses and the modulation of a voice.  The right sound can turn my day around...crazy huh?  That's the power of all forms of art.  The written word, a painting, a song.  It seems that's all we have left these days anyhow.  Refinancing, government cheese, and food stamps..thru it all there is music.  In this economy the Sticky Fingers abound.  White collar crooks getting their groove on, oblivious to the pain that we feel as our fingers tighten on the pen as we sit with the check book clueless.  Monday, Monday the grind starts again tomorrow.  My one saving grace?  The earbuds I plug into my phone. I think it's so groovy now, that the economy is tanking now.  To my friends in Detroit I say a little prayer for you.  Now we are listening to some Oye Como Va.  Gotta love Santana. I'm a cheap date. Me and some music and a cup of coffee.  I don't even need a partner for this date. Me dancing around my room in my pink bathrobe is the ultimate happiness!  Take it where you can get it. Have a beautiful Sunday. Dance!

Saturday, May 3, 2014

I feel good..

It's Saturday and 70 degrees out. The windows are open and I feel good dammit.  It's about time.  Maybe the mood stabilizers are working or maybe I just feel good.  Eyes wide open and clear headed....I have cleaned out my closet.  That is a yearly thing I do.  Go through the list of people in my life that cause me stress and aggravation and I just delete them.  So I'm down to 3 real friends that are like family and I'm lovely with that.  Better 3 than 30 fake pains in my ass.  My bullshit radar is on high alert these days. I notice that when the economy tanks the more bullshit abounds.  All for the love of money.  I despise that.  Everyone thinks that my life is so easy, except for the 3 real friends.  Everyone sees the outside package all put together looking good.  They don't see the pain and hurt underneath.  The struggle to keep the package perfect.  That alone is a job.  I adore my Joe.  76 and has the spirit of a 20 year old man.  Proper until pissed.  Will tell you to fuck off in a heart beat. I do believe he has earned the right to say whatever the hell he wants to say.  When you are born in 1937 and still doing the damned thing in 2014 hallelujah!  He does not give a rats ass what anyone thinks about him and I love it and him. Yes I feel good today.  He is the numero uno friend on this planet.  Screams at me until I cry but only to get my head out of my ass as he states.  My head is slowly coming out of my ass and seeing thing with wide eyes. I feel good.  Godspeed!!!!!

Tuesday, April 29, 2014


This is the magic time. When night turns into early morn. This is my secret time of day that I don't wish to share with anyone.  All is silent, peace abounds..just for a few minutes even. It's enough for me. This is what gives me faith to persevere.  If I can have this special time to regroup and think.  Listen to what's inside myself than I know I can keep pushing onward. I wouldn't trade this time for all the riches in the world.  This is magic time.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Tanning beds and puppies

Just a quick little post. Here is a great spot to find some a tanning bed.  You can lay there naked with your ear-buds in and for 20 minutes no one bothers you. Yes, I know not to over-do the tanning bed, skin cancer and what not.  Doesn't everything cause cancer nowadays?  I see little tots carrying miniature bottles of hand sanitizer and I think, are they ever going to be able to build a resistance to germs?  Oh that's right, kids don't play outside that much these days.  Parents are very over-protective because there are so many perverts out to harm their family.  Yes, I am being slightly sarcastic, but if the parents would actually sit out there and pay attention to what their children are doing it would prevent the perverts of the world from an easy kid snatching. Anything good and decent in this world requires effort.

On another note I am now going to be in a court battle regarding Joe because all the kids want his damn money now.  They don't understand that Joe is so happy just eating 2 for a dollar apple pies from McDonald's and watching tv.  They don't even truly know their dad.  They don't know that the only decenbt meals he eats are when I am with him.  When you hear a man say that "Ah, they are just waiting for me to die so they can fight over who gets what" it breaks my heart.

With everything I know now in life I wish I could have given birth to a small, healthy.....puppy!!!!!! God forgive that comment, it just slipped out.  Be Well and Be Kind!

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

The World Keeps Spinning....

When I sit down and think about some of the things that make me happy I realize they are all simple things.  Watching Law& Order with a friend, going for a ride, stopping the car on the road at night to take a picture of a family of deer.  Little things.  The problem with my world now is that even though I have eliminated almost every toxic person I can think of, I still don't have the ability to separate the outside turmoil and prevent it from over-flowing into my peace of mind.  When my head hits the pillow at night I love being able to close my eyes and have a restful sleep.  Do you ever go to bed and than you are wide awake because of all the stress and thoughts swirling around in your brain?  Those are the worst nights.  I don't want to take a pill every night to sleep.  It should come naturally.  Lately it's been getting harder and harder to sleep.  The people who know me whom I consider acquaintances think I have this easy life with no worries.  What fucking planet do they live on???  Being a companion to a 76 year old man is not easy.  Yes, extra money is great.  I will not lie.  The mental part is what is killing me.  So many outsiders have opinions.  Now his children are aware of the fact that he has money and all of the sudden one daughter needs 10,000 to send his grandson to rehab for the second time.  Joe's exact words were, "Fuck it, not paying it". It's the little things.  I know when we go out to breakfast that Joe is going to order a 2 egg breakfast with ham, grits instead of fried potatoes and dry whole-wheat toast or a dry bagel.  He eats one food item at a time.  He wants his grits served as an appetizer.  His favorite jelly is orange marmalade.  Whenever we go to a diner my job is to steal the packs of jelly for him so he can have some at home.  Joe claims the grocery store prices make him ill.  I get it.  I wonder if his kids know how he likes his oatmeal prepared?   If they know that buying him shampoo is a waste of their money because he has been washing his hair with soap since the military.Did they know that the reason all his socks have a hole in the toe is because his big toe-nails were an inch long and poking thru his socks.  I cut his toenails this past weekend.  He feels like a brand new man.  I dye his hair.  Like me, he has a thirst for knowledge. We are both constantly reading and discussing politics, today's generation of people, family values etc.  He told his son today on the phone that if I wasn't in his life he would be dead.  Joe Jr. just gulped and didn't really respond. Joe is good for me as well.  He keeps my quest for knowledge satisfied. The man is amazing when describing history.  He was there.  When you are born in 1937 there isn't a whole lot you  can do.  He got a full scholarship to Johns Hopkins.  That was a huge accomplishment.  Why can't his kids see what I see?  Joe told me that lately he feels it is a curse to be intelligent in today's society.  I understand his feelings.

On another note the world keeps spinning round.  My daily goal is to not fall off. I am succeeding, but barely. I have learned that in order to keep from falling off this planet I must not have any dead weight attached to me. That is how I cut my list of friends down to maybe 2.  So my bed-time ritual seems to be getting washed up, in my jammies and watching movies on cable.  You know what?  That's one of those little things that makes me happy..  Peace!!!

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Post Secret


What a beautiful night!  Silent and peaceful. Just the way I like it.  Just me, my Mountain Dew and a burning Newport.  Perfect. The windows in my bedroom are open and the ceiling fan is whirring.  This is happiness to me.  The phone is not ringing, no one is asking me for anything and my blood pressure is nice and low. I wonder if other people crave solitude?  Walking around your house in your panties with a spoon inside a pint of ice-cream is happiness these days.  That's how bad the insanity of daily life is these days.  Just my opinion.  I think many others share my view-point about peace on the home-front. I remember the days when the kids were young and I had to come home from work, pick them up from babysitters and make dinner etc etc.  I don't miss a single day of that.  Maybe that is the difference between being 47 vs 27? I don't know. I just know at this moment right now I wouldn't trade this feeling of peace for anything. Moments.  My life is made up of these small moments that make all the other bullshit worthwhile. Peace!!!

Friday, March 28, 2014

Sidechick? Mistress? Money.....oh wtf....

How many faithful men/women do you know? EXACTLY.  Marriage is hard. It's not sex in the kitchen and high-heels and stockings 24/7.  Any of us who have been married 10 years or longer know that.  It's kids, mortgages, work and passing out as soon as your head hits the pillow. Many people need a reward at the end of a long work week/family time.  They want some ME time. You want to know that you are still that same desirable person, that you still got IT.  Everyone needs to know they are appreciated and loved and WANTED.  You can love your kids and your dog...You want your partner...You daydream about them. You love the sound of their voice.  You fit together like a lock and key.  How do you keep that feeling through all the years?  Most men have a secret porn stash that helps relieve stress and boredom.  Women are different.  Porn doesn't work all the way.  We want an emotional attachment. When we step out, it's for the real deal.  Sex, feelings the whole package has to be there or most of us won't take the risk.  I read that people are craving sex more now that our economy is/has tanked.  I believe it.  We are all creatures of the flesh.  We like things that feel good.  Sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping..something to make us feel better than a pile of bills on the kitchen table. They say violence increases in the hot, summer days.  I bet wild, steamy stress-relieving sex is going to increase this summer as the thermometer rises with the poverty.
Wives will have their once a week "book club" night. Men are going to have to pick up a few "extra" shifts at work, late at night.  Whatever it takes to make life a little bit easier during the daily grind of just being..Peace!

Monday, March 24, 2014

What to do??

I am undergoing some major issues in my life.  Seems that Joe's family who have expressed no interest in him for the last 30 or so years, especially the last 4 that I have been seeing him.  Than they found out that he had, um, money, quite a bit.  Now they are very interested in his life.  He hates that. They hate me even more.  The only one that will even be civil and have a conversation with me is his son Joe Jr.  He seems to be the spokesperson for the children.  Joe is not a man that anyone would know had a dime to his name based on his appearance or habits.  That is exactly why he has saved and now has a "few" dollars to his name.  Home paid for etc.  Lives in the area known as the "Mainline"...(meaning everything cost more simply due to the zipcode).  Joe doesn't do fake small talk or polite chit chat.  He wants to be left the fuck alone.  He told me that he has never loved a woman the way he loves me and, that he loves me more than he ever loved his first wife.  That blew me away.  He feels that his kids are just waiting for him to die so they can claim what they feel is theirs.  I don't want this huge-oversized house.  This belongs to them.  I don't want to be in his will.  He has treated me better than any human being on the face of the earth and has been there when no-one else has.  I told him if he lost everything he has I will be there for him and work two jobs if necessary to take care of him.  I know he would do it for me. I just wish everyone would stop treating me like Anna Nicole Smith....seriously!  Peace!

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Random Ponderings

  Remember the movie "Being There"?  Well if you are my friend I demand little except just "being there".  No money, drama or bullshit.  So that is my main focus today.

That is what makes the internet such an amazing place for people.  The friends we make online ironically are some of the most enjoyable friendships we have.  You can't cross boundaries online.  You can ask for honest opinions and give honest answers because you don't have to see them daily in the "real world".  Sadly I think the one flaw in the whole internet socializing system is that many of our young folks were born into this world without having experienced real live human relationships.  Sucks for them in my opinion.  Those of us 40 and over have the upper hand in this strange arena.  We are adept at making friends in the flesh and online.  Sadly those under 25 don't seem to master the flesh friendships that well because they are inept and awkward at "the real thing".  If you have cyber-sex online are you still a virgin in the real world?  Who would have ever thought that would even be a question? Any comments on this topic are very much welcomed.
I would like to know that I am not alone in these strange thoughts I have.  Why is it so easy to connect with people that you have never met face to face?  I know the usual answers.  We can present ourselves how we wish to be seen, create facades and whatnot. I want to know also how so many people who are fabulous at having online friendships have such poor social skills in the flesh?  I think again it applies to age.  I am 47, yup, that's right, I said it.  I feel I have an advantage ironically due to the fact that a good portion of my life had nothing to do with the internet.  I had to develop social skills, make friends, get hired etc all based on learning to communicate with other people...face to face (not Skype). I think we definitely have a better balance in this world if we are adept at shaking hands as well as clicking a mouse. I can actually foresee a day where they are going to have to give courses on basic social interactions. So for those of us whose 2 digit age doesn't begin with the number 2 I think that might actually be a good thing.  Peace!!!!

Friday, March 14, 2014

Hard to teach an old dog new tricks!

Do your balls hang low, do they swing too and fro.....yes that is the ditty I am chanting in my head. Maybe I am mentally touched, who knows, who truly cares?  Aren't we all in some way shape or form mentally touched?  One can short of a six pack get the gist...I am learning to be ok and actually revel in my uniqueness.  I think everyone should.  What a fucking boring world this place would be if we actually were all like, say, Stepford Families?  Plus I can't afford to invest money in hairspray the way those Stepford women did.  Hurricane Katrina could come and their damn hair wouldn't move at all.  It's a shame that is has taken me 47 years to figure out that I am not the most fucked up human on the planet.  To learn that being so self-absorbed isn't actually a good thing.  I try to have good karma.  Joe is a perfect example of that.  His own children don't have the time nor the patience to deal with their own father, except to call and see if he has decided what to do with his $600,000.00  home and to call dibs on what they want.  I do the fun stuff.  I clean the sheets and remove the fecal stains.  I make sure he has plenty to eat.  I make him laugh (which we both do share a love of bitter, sarcastic biting humor)  I try to teach him that racism is not a sign of intelligence.  He is very proud of his IQ.  I know the IQ's of all his children and that explains quite a bit.  (just kidding) I am so very liberal and he is such a staunch right-wing human being it's amazing how we are able to get along. We agree to disagree.  What man tells his girlfriend that his one daughter was so ugly at birth that he was actually scared.  He than giggles and says that thankfully it did pass and she turned out pretty like the rest.  He claims Hitler had some great ideas, knowing that my adoptive parents were Jewish.  He believes in mandatory sterilization for people of certain ethnicities so they "Can stop making so many God-d&*n babies for his tax money to support.  Brutally honest is what he is.  No, I don't agree with what he says.  I try to rub off on him in a positive way.  His prejudice extends to overweight people. Oh he is a piece of work.  I can't deny his generosity towards me.  I am hoping that thru my constant reminder that you can't judge a book by it's cover and gently prodding him to be kind that maybe it will rub off on him.There are all kinds of ways we can change the world.  I find it is usually done best with one person at a time.Peace!

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Parenting/Peace (I know, an oxymoron)

I'm now in tough love mode regarding my son. I love him more than anything in this world, but sometimes he just makes choices that are unacceptable to me, mostly in the way he speaks to me and about me to others.  I would never win mother of the the year, but that doesn't change the love factor.  Hindsight is always 20/20. Trite, I know.  Today is the first day that I am taking action to make the playing field a little more level in our relationship.  I don't like being strong-armed by my own son.  He might be physically bigger but contrary to many people's beliefs, I am smarter in ways that he is not and he is very bright.  I have the wisdom that he lacks.  Sometimes the hardest things you can do when you love your child is to do something that is going to cause them problems.  I believe the word is consequences.  No-one is going to be 24 eat all my food, not contribute and not work.  Yes, he has applied to start going to college.  It might not be the fancy university that he wanted but community colleges are there for a reason.

Love is not supposed to be a painful experience or a hurtful one.  Love should bring tears of joy, not constant tears of pain.

I have also learned what a destructive force envy is.  So many people seem to think that my life is so simple and amazing because my friend is older and has always been rather generous with me.  I always pay forward in my life.  The "If you have been blessed, pass it on " mentality.  That makes me happy.  I am very pleased with my 1 bedroom apartment.  I chose it because I adore its layout and I can afford to live there even if I had to work at McDonald's.  I have spent the last 6 moths trying to learn how to live within my means.  There is nothing I need or want for.  Stop spending is my new mantra.  I have broken worse habits than retail therapy so this should be a breeze.  I just want to live the rest of whatever time
God gives me to live with peace of mind.  That is priceless and in my opinion, the best gift of all.  Peace!

Friday, February 21, 2014


Yes, I get miserable when it dumps tons of snow in my world.  It has been non-stop.  I than go to Joe's
house last week (forgot my laptop) and he is snowed in, no coffee, pipe tobacco or good food.  He has a very steep driveway and he couldn't get his car out. Not once did his kids call to check on him. I brought a girlfriend with me and she got his car to the top of his driveway.  We went grocery shopping, cooked meals in advance and basically kept him sane.  I just arrived back here and this time I remembered my laptop.  I have missed writing and reading everyone else.  He was without power for 4 days.  I just arrived here tonight and am pleased to see things are still in order.  I am staying until Monday.  Oh yeah his one child called at the end of the blizzard to see if he has decided what to do with the house and remind him that their son's birthday was coming up so he could remember to send a check. What good children.....ahem...bullshit....Just calling them like I see 'em.  They hate me.  Seems they never knew Dad had any money and when they found out how generous he has been with me they exploded.  They think I am Anna Nicole Smith lol.  I have been with this man for 4 years.  I didn't know he was well off when I met him at Denny's.  It's amazing what greed does to a family..rather sad if you ask me.  So trying to find time to be back in the blog-o-sphere.  Now I shall read up on what everyone else has been doing. Peace!!!!!

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum...and more nonsense!

The Gods are killing me with this over abundance of snow.  Enough already...please.  Driving should now be referred to as slip sliding away. Maybe the ice-age is looming and we are just too dense to see it.  I'm positive the dinosaurs didn't take it seriously as they munched on green leaves or each other.  They obviously didn't have the last laugh.

My heart is healing.  I think I need to wear a chastity belt for the next year.  I simply get too dick stupid.  Throw in feelings with great sex and you have a recipe for success or great disaster.  Raise you hand if you have experienced great disaster. Both of mine are up in the air.  The positive note is that we learn from each mistake and we move forward.  Or we just keep repeating the same mistakes over and over and expect different results which is the definition of insanity.  My lesson has been learned.  Albeit at much expense, emotional and financial.  Whenever I fuck up it is never on a small scale.  Always balls to the wall lose it all type of fucking up.  Too old and too tired to repeat the game.   I would prefer a dog to a man any day.  They are loyal without a fault and listen to my inane pillow talk at night as if they are deeply interested.   I have yet to meet a man who can match those qualities.

Went out to dinner with my dear friend Joe last night and we went to one of our usual spots.  Last night was our favorite greek-owned diner.  Had some phenomenal eggnog and a great tilapia dinner.  Joe and I have a friendship that is about 4 years old.  He is the voice of reason and bluntness in my world.  Everyone needs a friend that can be blunt and honest with them.  I help him muddle his way in this new technology driven world that makes him insane.  ( He was born in 1937). He is my voice of reason.  I still cant get him to learn or even understand text messaging.  Direct quote- " If someone wants to converse with me, why the fuck can't they pick up their goddamned phone and speak.  Why must they type a bunch of words that can be spoken"  I understand his thinking.

So now I am packing my bag and getting ready to go back to my side of the tracks.  I live in a small, quaint part of Pa.  He lives on the "Mainline"  (things simply cost more here because of the zipcode) He prefers my cozy apt. to his gigantic house.  Ironic huh?

Happy New Year to all and be thankful for the little things in your life.  I am learning that they are the most important. Peace!