Guilt and more shit

Sometimes I feel like I don't know my ass from my head, seriously.  Everytime I get into a trusting relationship I get screwed, no kisses, no lube, not even a hug.  It's worse when it is your own family.  Let's just say that a certain person has a sense of entitlement to certain things, like say, my money as they feel  I don't work for it.  It is not my fault that I have a boyfriend who is exceptionally good to me.  The trickle down theory has applied many times over whenever it is possible.  Said family member doesn't seem to think it is enough.  I think this person has done some math and has this number in his mind that should make up for the addiction years? I don't know.  It's the whole guilt trip thing and trust me, I have succommed numerous times to the guilt feelings.  Just because we get better doesn't mean we forget what happened in the past. How many times can one say they are sorry? How many apologies before one is truly accepted?  I wish there was a person who had the magic answers for me, but I know that is unrealistic.  People look at my life from the outside and think "Oh what a lucky woman".  Picture perfect to the outside and unknowing.  I know the truth and that will never change.  The face I put on for the outside world is for when I walk out my door.  Noone would believe the change when the I go inside and the mask comes off.  Peace!