Clarity In Muddy Waters

Clarity In Muddy Waters
I am just a tiny speck in our beautiful mass

Tuesday, April 29, 2014


This is the magic time. When night turns into early morn. This is my secret time of day that I don't wish to share with anyone.  All is silent, peace abounds..just for a few minutes even. It's enough for me. This is what gives me faith to persevere.  If I can have this special time to regroup and think.  Listen to what's inside myself than I know I can keep pushing onward. I wouldn't trade this time for all the riches in the world.  This is magic time.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Tanning beds and puppies

Just a quick little post. Here is a great spot to find some a tanning bed.  You can lay there naked with your ear-buds in and for 20 minutes no one bothers you. Yes, I know not to over-do the tanning bed, skin cancer and what not.  Doesn't everything cause cancer nowadays?  I see little tots carrying miniature bottles of hand sanitizer and I think, are they ever going to be able to build a resistance to germs?  Oh that's right, kids don't play outside that much these days.  Parents are very over-protective because there are so many perverts out to harm their family.  Yes, I am being slightly sarcastic, but if the parents would actually sit out there and pay attention to what their children are doing it would prevent the perverts of the world from an easy kid snatching. Anything good and decent in this world requires effort.

On another note I am now going to be in a court battle regarding Joe because all the kids want his damn money now.  They don't understand that Joe is so happy just eating 2 for a dollar apple pies from McDonald's and watching tv.  They don't even truly know their dad.  They don't know that the only decenbt meals he eats are when I am with him.  When you hear a man say that "Ah, they are just waiting for me to die so they can fight over who gets what" it breaks my heart.

With everything I know now in life I wish I could have given birth to a small, healthy.....puppy!!!!!! God forgive that comment, it just slipped out.  Be Well and Be Kind!

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

The World Keeps Spinning....

When I sit down and think about some of the things that make me happy I realize they are all simple things.  Watching Law& Order with a friend, going for a ride, stopping the car on the road at night to take a picture of a family of deer.  Little things.  The problem with my world now is that even though I have eliminated almost every toxic person I can think of, I still don't have the ability to separate the outside turmoil and prevent it from over-flowing into my peace of mind.  When my head hits the pillow at night I love being able to close my eyes and have a restful sleep.  Do you ever go to bed and than you are wide awake because of all the stress and thoughts swirling around in your brain?  Those are the worst nights.  I don't want to take a pill every night to sleep.  It should come naturally.  Lately it's been getting harder and harder to sleep.  The people who know me whom I consider acquaintances think I have this easy life with no worries.  What fucking planet do they live on???  Being a companion to a 76 year old man is not easy.  Yes, extra money is great.  I will not lie.  The mental part is what is killing me.  So many outsiders have opinions.  Now his children are aware of the fact that he has money and all of the sudden one daughter needs 10,000 to send his grandson to rehab for the second time.  Joe's exact words were, "Fuck it, not paying it". It's the little things.  I know when we go out to breakfast that Joe is going to order a 2 egg breakfast with ham, grits instead of fried potatoes and dry whole-wheat toast or a dry bagel.  He eats one food item at a time.  He wants his grits served as an appetizer.  His favorite jelly is orange marmalade.  Whenever we go to a diner my job is to steal the packs of jelly for him so he can have some at home.  Joe claims the grocery store prices make him ill.  I get it.  I wonder if his kids know how he likes his oatmeal prepared?   If they know that buying him shampoo is a waste of their money because he has been washing his hair with soap since the military.Did they know that the reason all his socks have a hole in the toe is because his big toe-nails were an inch long and poking thru his socks.  I cut his toenails this past weekend.  He feels like a brand new man.  I dye his hair.  Like me, he has a thirst for knowledge. We are both constantly reading and discussing politics, today's generation of people, family values etc.  He told his son today on the phone that if I wasn't in his life he would be dead.  Joe Jr. just gulped and didn't really respond. Joe is good for me as well.  He keeps my quest for knowledge satisfied. The man is amazing when describing history.  He was there.  When you are born in 1937 there isn't a whole lot you  can do.  He got a full scholarship to Johns Hopkins.  That was a huge accomplishment.  Why can't his kids see what I see?  Joe told me that lately he feels it is a curse to be intelligent in today's society.  I understand his feelings.

On another note the world keeps spinning round.  My daily goal is to not fall off. I am succeeding, but barely. I have learned that in order to keep from falling off this planet I must not have any dead weight attached to me. That is how I cut my list of friends down to maybe 2.  So my bed-time ritual seems to be getting washed up, in my jammies and watching movies on cable.  You know what?  That's one of those little things that makes me happy..  Peace!!!

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Post Secret


What a beautiful night!  Silent and peaceful. Just the way I like it.  Just me, my Mountain Dew and a burning Newport.  Perfect. The windows in my bedroom are open and the ceiling fan is whirring.  This is happiness to me.  The phone is not ringing, no one is asking me for anything and my blood pressure is nice and low. I wonder if other people crave solitude?  Walking around your house in your panties with a spoon inside a pint of ice-cream is happiness these days.  That's how bad the insanity of daily life is these days.  Just my opinion.  I think many others share my view-point about peace on the home-front. I remember the days when the kids were young and I had to come home from work, pick them up from babysitters and make dinner etc etc.  I don't miss a single day of that.  Maybe that is the difference between being 47 vs 27? I don't know. I just know at this moment right now I wouldn't trade this feeling of peace for anything. Moments.  My life is made up of these small moments that make all the other bullshit worthwhile. Peace!!!